With my Spicy Virgin Caesar beside me, and a bowl of Skittles I will try to settle my trembling hands to type this installment of the Calgary Visit update.
It wasn't a good day in the world of Jeanette. A bad news day. To make matters a little worse, my husband wasn't physically with me for this appointment. We had agreed if work came up to take it because things had been oh-so steady with LG (little girl) I'd be fine to go it alone...Murphy's Law.
Special shout out to Grandma and Grandpa for taking Miss. Nola overnight so I wouldn't have to transport a toddler at 5:30 am. My appointment in Calgary this morning was for 7:45 am. *yawn*
Last week the Perinatologist decided it would be best to have a full Fetal Echo Cardiogram done today, whereas the other ultrasounds in previous weeks have been a standard Fetal Assessment. A Fetal Echo is much longer and measures more in-depth things like ventricles and valves and functions, not just growth and heart rate.
About half way through the Sonographer was getting a little frustrated because LG would NOT cooperate and give decent pictures. As the baby grows and the bones calcify it becomes harder for them to get good images because the bones create shadows making things much harder to see. And she was laying on her tummy so we couldn't very well see through her back.
The Sonographer cleaned me up and said, "I'm going to show the Peri's what I have. Why don't you go to the bathroom, walk around a bit and see if the baby moves positions." No problem. She left and I walked around, did some jumps and laid on my side telling her to smarten up! A few minutes later, in came the Sonographer along with the Peri and PC (Pediatric Cardiologist). I hate it when there are more people in the room--not usually an awesome sign. The Peri bellied up to the ultrasound machine and dove right in to take a look at the WONDERFUL clear shots LG was now producing. He was very pleased with what he was seeing, but I soon learned this wasn't so wonderful. Him and the PC started whispering more intently to each other all sorts of medical garb and the PC was taking notes, a lot of notes, on her note pad. Hmmm.
The Peri asked me to "de-goopify" and meet the PC in the family conferencing room. I went and sat in the little black recliner by myself wondering what it was we were dealing with. My mind wasn't really racing; it was like the calm before the storm.
The PC entered the room, a nice middle-aged lady who isn't my regular PC but filling in for Dr. Fruitman while her and her husband vacation in Mexico. She was extremely thorough and slow and kind in her explanation. [Jennifer Johnson, forgive me if I have interpreted things incorrectly ;)]
1. They couldn't get a heart rate above 51. Now's the time to have a little more panic. We went a few weeks with 56, the last two were 53 and now we can assume it's only on its way down. She decided we need to take action, aggressive action. If we remain this low we most definitely move in to an area of heart failure...fetal demise.
2. Secondly, they have discovered the lining around the heart is beginning to thicken. This is in response to how hard her heart is working to pump the blood. It's trying to be stronger. LG is trying to pump all the blood in her big beautiful body on 50 beats a minute when it should be 150. See the problem? Her heart is getting tired.
3. Along side the heart thickening, they see the entire right side of the heart's valves are not closing properly anymore. They are sloppy and sloshy and the input and output of blood is all mixed together. A sign that the heart is losing function.
4. Lastly, LG has a large vein on the right side of her body that is used for redistribution of blood throughout her body. It is swelling and getting back-logged because there isn't enough strength to do its job, so this blood is collecting.
Sudden death has become a much higher concern, but the OB pointed out that if we saw hydrops we would be in way bigger trouble. Hydrops is when fluid begins to collect around the other organs of the baby, and we do NOT see any signs of this.
The PC decided to put me on Salbutamol. This is the drug that is increasing my heart rate to hopefully increase LG's. The idea is if her heart rate goes up a few beats it will relieve the pressure that is building up inside of her and help with the distribution of blood.
I have already taken the first dose, and will take the next soon. 10 mg every 8 hours doesn't seem like much, but according to the Pharmacist its crazy high... I feel like I have Parkinson's. You should see me try to drink from a glass. I guess there are lots of unpleasant side effects: headaches, rapid heart beat (duh), dizzy, insomnia, shortness of breath, agitation, shakiness. We'll see how many I end up checking off the list.
After my appointment with the Peri and PC I went over to the building beside to see the OB. We simply talked about not stressing out because that certainly will not help. We agreed that these are things that are just out of our control, but we are able to make educated decisions. She told me that we will wait to see how the Salbutamol works but next week we are likely making a plan for delivery. She said in theory she could take the baby at any time, but this will not guarantee survival.
And the baby will be quite premature which will throw in a few more complications.
I left Calgary armed with a copy of my file in case I find myself in Red Deer's Emergency (in case of ANY changes), as well as the pager numbers and direct lines to each specialist I see. Bitter sweet...nice to have this great care, but it solidifies the severity of LG's situation.
I can't even tell you how therapeutic it is for me sit here and type all this out.
I did a lot of crying today and a lot of repeating. Many different emotions...
I feel like I'm in purgatory. I'm sitting here waiting. I'm waiting but I don't know for what. Am I waiting for my baby to die? Or am I waiting for my baby to live?
I feel helpless.
I feel like I did this to my child. I am the one who carries Anti-Ro and that's the only reason we're here.
I feel like I'm inadequate. I am bearing my husband a child who is riddled with problems; not the healthy bountiful child provided by a "real woman".
These are things I have felt and said throughout the day. Yes, I know better. Yes, I stop thinking that way. PLEASE do NOT be compelled to lecture me or justify how I shouldn't feel this way from time to time.
I definitely needed, and still will probably need, my pity party. Right now, I need to find the strength to get through this drug, through the next week and the next 19 days. I had to repeat it 46 times today to come to terms with it. I needed to type this to get it up and out so I can find the FAITH again and the resolve to get through this.
I'm glad to be documenting this journey, and very grateful you are following it with me. I'm not afraid to ask for help, support or prayer.
There are questions I don't have answers to, but if you have a particular question just email/call/text me.
Right now I feel a little like a sitting duck.
On another note...for those of you who follow the blog you'll know what I'm referring to when I say, "Today I got the picture! The doctor was IN!"
Awesome!
Thanks for reading <3
It wasn't a good day in the world of Jeanette. A bad news day. To make matters a little worse, my husband wasn't physically with me for this appointment. We had agreed if work came up to take it because things had been oh-so steady with LG (little girl) I'd be fine to go it alone...Murphy's Law.
Special shout out to Grandma and Grandpa for taking Miss. Nola overnight so I wouldn't have to transport a toddler at 5:30 am. My appointment in Calgary this morning was for 7:45 am. *yawn*
Last week the Perinatologist decided it would be best to have a full Fetal Echo Cardiogram done today, whereas the other ultrasounds in previous weeks have been a standard Fetal Assessment. A Fetal Echo is much longer and measures more in-depth things like ventricles and valves and functions, not just growth and heart rate.
About half way through the Sonographer was getting a little frustrated because LG would NOT cooperate and give decent pictures. As the baby grows and the bones calcify it becomes harder for them to get good images because the bones create shadows making things much harder to see. And she was laying on her tummy so we couldn't very well see through her back.
The Sonographer cleaned me up and said, "I'm going to show the Peri's what I have. Why don't you go to the bathroom, walk around a bit and see if the baby moves positions." No problem. She left and I walked around, did some jumps and laid on my side telling her to smarten up! A few minutes later, in came the Sonographer along with the Peri and PC (Pediatric Cardiologist). I hate it when there are more people in the room--not usually an awesome sign. The Peri bellied up to the ultrasound machine and dove right in to take a look at the WONDERFUL clear shots LG was now producing. He was very pleased with what he was seeing, but I soon learned this wasn't so wonderful. Him and the PC started whispering more intently to each other all sorts of medical garb and the PC was taking notes, a lot of notes, on her note pad. Hmmm.
The Peri asked me to "de-goopify" and meet the PC in the family conferencing room. I went and sat in the little black recliner by myself wondering what it was we were dealing with. My mind wasn't really racing; it was like the calm before the storm.
The PC entered the room, a nice middle-aged lady who isn't my regular PC but filling in for Dr. Fruitman while her and her husband vacation in Mexico. She was extremely thorough and slow and kind in her explanation. [Jennifer Johnson, forgive me if I have interpreted things incorrectly ;)]
1. They couldn't get a heart rate above 51. Now's the time to have a little more panic. We went a few weeks with 56, the last two were 53 and now we can assume it's only on its way down. She decided we need to take action, aggressive action. If we remain this low we most definitely move in to an area of heart failure...fetal demise.
2. Secondly, they have discovered the lining around the heart is beginning to thicken. This is in response to how hard her heart is working to pump the blood. It's trying to be stronger. LG is trying to pump all the blood in her big beautiful body on 50 beats a minute when it should be 150. See the problem? Her heart is getting tired.
3. Along side the heart thickening, they see the entire right side of the heart's valves are not closing properly anymore. They are sloppy and sloshy and the input and output of blood is all mixed together. A sign that the heart is losing function.
4. Lastly, LG has a large vein on the right side of her body that is used for redistribution of blood throughout her body. It is swelling and getting back-logged because there isn't enough strength to do its job, so this blood is collecting.
Sudden death has become a much higher concern, but the OB pointed out that if we saw hydrops we would be in way bigger trouble. Hydrops is when fluid begins to collect around the other organs of the baby, and we do NOT see any signs of this.
The PC decided to put me on Salbutamol. This is the drug that is increasing my heart rate to hopefully increase LG's. The idea is if her heart rate goes up a few beats it will relieve the pressure that is building up inside of her and help with the distribution of blood.
I have already taken the first dose, and will take the next soon. 10 mg every 8 hours doesn't seem like much, but according to the Pharmacist its crazy high... I feel like I have Parkinson's. You should see me try to drink from a glass. I guess there are lots of unpleasant side effects: headaches, rapid heart beat (duh), dizzy, insomnia, shortness of breath, agitation, shakiness. We'll see how many I end up checking off the list.
After my appointment with the Peri and PC I went over to the building beside to see the OB. We simply talked about not stressing out because that certainly will not help. We agreed that these are things that are just out of our control, but we are able to make educated decisions. She told me that we will wait to see how the Salbutamol works but next week we are likely making a plan for delivery. She said in theory she could take the baby at any time, but this will not guarantee survival.
And the baby will be quite premature which will throw in a few more complications.
I left Calgary armed with a copy of my file in case I find myself in Red Deer's Emergency (in case of ANY changes), as well as the pager numbers and direct lines to each specialist I see. Bitter sweet...nice to have this great care, but it solidifies the severity of LG's situation.
I can't even tell you how therapeutic it is for me sit here and type all this out.
I did a lot of crying today and a lot of repeating. Many different emotions...
I feel like I'm in purgatory. I'm sitting here waiting. I'm waiting but I don't know for what. Am I waiting for my baby to die? Or am I waiting for my baby to live?
I feel helpless.
I feel like I did this to my child. I am the one who carries Anti-Ro and that's the only reason we're here.
I feel like I'm inadequate. I am bearing my husband a child who is riddled with problems; not the healthy bountiful child provided by a "real woman".
These are things I have felt and said throughout the day. Yes, I know better. Yes, I stop thinking that way. PLEASE do NOT be compelled to lecture me or justify how I shouldn't feel this way from time to time.
I definitely needed, and still will probably need, my pity party. Right now, I need to find the strength to get through this drug, through the next week and the next 19 days. I had to repeat it 46 times today to come to terms with it. I needed to type this to get it up and out so I can find the FAITH again and the resolve to get through this.
I'm glad to be documenting this journey, and very grateful you are following it with me. I'm not afraid to ask for help, support or prayer.
There are questions I don't have answers to, but if you have a particular question just email/call/text me.
Right now I feel a little like a sitting duck.
On another note...for those of you who follow the blog you'll know what I'm referring to when I say, "Today I got the picture! The doctor was IN!"
Awesome!
Thanks for reading <3
Hi Jeanette, hope it is OK but I am going to put you on my church's prayer list immediately. And I am praying most fervently right now myself. No criticism or judgment here, only heartfelt compassion and wishing I could do something to help. Hang in there. You are allowed to feel anything you need to feel.
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